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Jesus of Cool: The Worst Number One Songs of the ’80s
53 comments
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Peter 2 months ago with 2 points
Perfect list! The only thing missing is a Rick Astley song, but his coolness factor is way up right now. Come to think of it, judging from your honorable mention list at the beginning, you could have easily done a Top 30...
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mojo
thank you for reminding us that the 1980s wasn't all cool Devo and punk and new wave like certain cable networks would have us believe. Those were fringe groups...the grand majority of music fans listened to crappy music like that listed above...that would make you shudder like the Cutting Crew guy does: "Uhhhhgggggh! I just died in your arms..." A nostalgia cruise to the 1980s leads to Olivia and Mijac...don't go there!
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Philomath
Gotta love the singing Abraham Lincoln in the "We Built This City" video. He was more lifelike than Grace Slick at that point in her career.
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That. Was. Painful. But since this is the S&M club, how 'bout these thrown at your testicles:
1. "The War Song" Culture Club
2. "Radio Ga Ga" Queen -
Elaine
I loved and still love "Radio Ga Ga." Maybe it's because I was that teen, sitting alone and watch its light, my only friend through teenage nights. Granted it wasn't during "War of the Worlds," but early-80's midwestern AM radio provided the same sentiments for me.
Or maybe it is the STILL-impressive footage of the crowd at Wembley when Queen played this song during Live Aid. -
JonCummings
Go back to the comments under John H.'s treatise on Frankie Goes to Hollywood (http://popdose.com/why-you-should-likefrankie-g...) for the story of how I quizzed Boy George about "The War Song" (and got insulted in return).
I don't remember why--I haven't heard it in years--but I liked "Radio Ga-Ga" enough at the time that I went and bought the 45. It may have been the last one I ever bought. -
Colin Hay was right: Why DID they write that song? I was just a junior in the radio industry when "The War Song" came down the pike and there was a collective head shake among my senior colleagues 'cause it was clear "The War Song" marked the end of Culture Club's reign in the pop spotlight.
Jon, spend some quality time with "Radio Ga Ga" again and see if those golden memories come flooding back, or if you start to cringe when singing along with the chorus.
:-) -
JonCummings
Well, I went and did my homework, Py, and thanks a lot: Now I'm embarrassed that I can't erase my comment about buying the 45, and I'm wondering what else I could have done with that $1.99 in college.
Why would I have bought that single? I'm sure it had nothing to do with the lyrics, particularly the chorus. Maybe it was the sub-OMD percolations in the intro and between verses, or the Ultravox-y synth build to the chorus, or a pavlovian response to the Styx-ish quality of that ludicrous "radio" backing vocal--which I believe was run through the same processor as the vocals on "Rockin' the Paradise" and "The Best of Times."
And now that I've rationalized this momentary (hah!) 1984 lapse in taste for five minutes that I'll never get back, I'm going to go see what a Queen single looks like after you hold it over a low flame. -
I'm guessing the 45 will resemble the shell used in a taco salad when you're finished with your experiment with vinyl and a Bic lighter.
To be fair to Queen, I really liked "The Works," but always, always skipped track 1 ("Radio Ga Ga") for "Tear It Up." -
Alex5000
I still like "The Works" -- and I still like "Radio Ga Ga." There's a charm to that song that, for me anyway, has weathered the years well. Damn good album, too. It's no "Queen II" or "Sheer Heart Attack," but it is redeemed by the fact that it ALSO isn't "Hot Space" or "The Miracle..."
Regarding "We Built This CIty" -- I cut this song some slack mainly because whenever I hear it, I get immediate and fond memories of being thirteen years old. However, having since then discovered "After Bathing At Baxter's" and "Blows Against The Empire" I can understand why one cannot be allowed to rate it a good song... -
JW_SC
Personally, I would put the “Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley" in the bottom 5, if not THE worst.
Hmm, I thought everyone liked "Rock Me Amadeus".
Good luck with the '90s list. I'd hate to sort thru the muck myself. -
JonCummings
I dunno, JW...The "Baby/Bird" medley is truly appalling--if ever two songs wanted less to be linked together in bad-remake eternity than those two, I'd like to hear that medley. How about the "Go Away Little Girl"/"Closer" medley? Perhaps the "Blue Monday"/"Feelings" medley? (That would sound good on an answering machine, wouldn't it?)
Inside jokes between me and JW aside, the reason I didn't go there with the medley was because despite its horribleness, it didn't replace the original versions (at least not permanently, let's hope) in anyone's consciousness. It was, in the end, a trifle by a thoroughly faceless act that somehow made it to #1 and then vanished into the ether.
As for "Rock Me Amadeus," I love it too--in German or in English, baby!--but it was high on Blender's list and others I've read, so obviously our admiration is not universally shared... -
twostepcub
Nice job.
I have only two words to say otherwise. "Invisible Touch".
10 seconds of that song gives me hives.
Like Starship, another example of a decent band going all six-flags karaoke on a pastiche of their supposed radio niche style.
It's the turd to "We Built This City's" diarrhea. -
GeorgeLang
I still have a hard time with 86-87 "big beat" disasters such as "Rock Me Amadeus" and Sly Fox' "Let's Go All the Way." But "Wind Beneath My Wings" deserves its own hell circle. During my late-'80s tenure in the military, I was stationed at a base that had retirement ceremonies almost every week during the summer, and every damn aviator who retired from that place had "Wind Beneath My Wings" sung at his retirement. I lost years off my life from that experience.
http://blog.newsok.com/staticblog/ -
kshane
I love the Eddie Murphy shout out in #3.
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Old_Davy
There was a ton of great music in the '80's except that none of it hit the charts.
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Nice Jon. I've been looking forward to see what you put on this since you put out the '60s edition.
I had made my own list and it seems like we have similar tastes or distaste as it may be. I also had "Hangin' Tough", "Ebony & Ivory", "We Built This City"; "Physical"; "Kokomo"; "I Just Called" and "Wind Beneath My Wings" in my bottom 10.
I also had two that you put in the intro - "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and "Batdance". (Prince is my favorite artist ever, but this is just stupid)
I have a big problem with "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles too. That's just an unlistenable song to me.
It's a shame that #1 songs were so damn poor in the '80s. There are definitely more crappy ones than there should be.
However, I can't wait to see what the list from the '00s will be. I'm anticipating and even bigger train wreck than these.
Great post. Thanks -
JonCummings
I'm too big a Bangles fan to hate "Egyptian." I know I probably should; I just can't. I came much closer to including "Eternal Flame." It's interesting that the Bangles' two #1s are probably their own least favorite of their songs (or at least they're the Peterson sisters' least-faves): Debbie had no role in the recording of "Egyptian," because a drum machine was used and she didn't get a vocal turn, and "Eternal Flame" put Susanna a bit too far out in front of the band for the others to be comfortable with (and didn't really fit the Bangles vibe, either). Of course, if you've seen "Behind the Music" you already know this...
As far as the '00s go, I'm already sweating it. I may just close my eyes and point, and hope for the best. (That may be as good a method as any, actually.) -
Fudgester
I reckon I could fill this list with James Bond theme songs and/or simply the tracklisting to the topgun soundtrack
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Pete
My friend Nate and I had already voted "We Built This City" and "Greatest Love of All" as the worst songs of all time amongst ourselves, so it's nice to see them both here.
I second the votes for both "Invisible Touch" and the "Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird" medley-especially the latter. UGH. I hated it then, I hate it now.
"Physical" has just been remixed by mashup dj Go Home Productions:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LyxiixS50uY
And I'm also guilty of still liking "Radio Ga Ga", even though I whole heartedly admit it's one of the worst songs in the Queen cannon. -
Pete
Oh, and I think "From a Distance" (although not 80s, but still Bette) is ten times more hideous than "Wind Beneath My Wings" (which is indeed gawd awful).
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Really? "Dirty Diana"? Not one of MJ's best, I'll admit, but I'll listen to that on repeat for 24 hours while sitting naked on a block of ice rather than be subjected to listening to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" ONCE!
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forwardgirl
I heartily second 'Wild Wild West' as atrocious and submit Billy Idol's cover of 'Mony Mony' as one I can't turn off fast enough when it comes on the car radio...
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JonCummings
The thing about "Mony Mony" is, I really liked it when Billy first released it on his debut solo EP, "Don't Stop," way back in 1981. Between "Mony Mony" and the seemingly hourlong version of "Dancing With Myself," that EP really rocked. Of course, this was long before the whole "get laid get..." bullshit got attached to it. By the time it became a big hit, I was changing the radio as well.
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forwardgirl
PS Somewhere in my cassette collection that takes up roughly 1/3 of my apartment there is definitely a BMG issue Milli Vanilli. Perhaps there is some kind of exterminator who specializes in this sort of thing?
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Elaine
Well, I purposely sought out and bought a Milli Vanilli CD years ago just because I figured it'll be worth money some day. Does that make me more, or less cynical? :-)
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JonCummings
Somewhere in the deep South on this night 10 years ago, there was a fundamentalist-Christian CD-steamrollering going on. A couple dozen moms reached behind the Judas Priest and Def Leppard discs in their collections, pulled out the Milli Vanilli, and told their kids, "Here--let them crush this."
Your CD may be more valuable than you think. Or it might be worth a plug nickel. -
I definitely own Milli Vanilli. Heck, I even own the Girl You Know It's True remix album. I almost owned "The Real Milli Vanilli" album too - but even I had to stop somewhere!
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JonCummings
That would be a bridge too far. I just remember the "singing" shown during their press conference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaoBgR7wLQk -
Sara
The Greatest Love of All is not a terrible song. Most people just remember the first line (I believe that children are our future) George Benson wasn't even a great singer but a cool guitarist! As for Kyrie it was based on an old Latin hymn you can hear the same words in the prologue of Disney's Notre Dame movie.
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Pete
That's funny, because I did pretty much the same thing. I clipped out the "they didn't sing on it" article from the paper and stuck it in the case like a time capsule.
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Ernie McPicnics
Have you no sense of irony sir?
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This is an absolutely stellar list and I'm most impressed with your ability to actually narrow it down to ten even in the face of pressure from your wife and MIL. I have a good mind to buy these tracks from itunes, though. I must be a masochist. I co-wrote a piece on the ultimate mix 'tape' for spunkybean.com in case anyone wants to enjoy any further nostalgia ...
http://spunkybean.com/index.php?option=com_cont... -
:::theroux
"Ghostbusters" made me want to dig my eyes out with a spork.
"Who you gonna call?"....lyrical genius! -
JonCummings
Not to mention the Huey Lewis ripoff...from when Huey was still writing decent hit songs...
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Pete
Ray ripped of Huey-you have that backwards.
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