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Jesus of Cool: The Worst Number One Songs of the ’80s

Started by popdose · Vor 1 Jahr

Something’s come over me as I’ve contemplated this, the fourth edition of what promises to be a six-part series (the invention of time travel seeming unlikely before I conclude, sometime around Memorial Day). My sentimental generosity toward music I once liked, whether I s ... Continue reading »

55 comments

  • My hmphs

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Perfect list! The only thing missing is a Rick Astley song, but his coolness factor is way up right now. Come to think of it, judging from your honorable mention list at the beginning, you could have easily done a Top 30...
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  • mojo

    Vor 1 Jahr

    thank you for reminding us that the 1980s wasn't all cool Devo and punk and new wave like certain cable networks would have us believe. Those were fringe groups...the grand majority of music fans listened to crappy music like that listed above...that would make you shudder like the Cutting Crew guy does: "Uhhhhgggggh! I just died in your arms..." A nostalgia cruise to the 1980s leads to Olivia and Mijac...don't go there!
    reply
  • Philomath

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Gotta love the singing Abraham Lincoln in the "We Built This City" video. He was more lifelike than Grace Slick at that point in her career.
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  • 1Py_Korry1

    Vor 1 Jahr

    That. Was. Painful. But since this is the S&M club, how 'bout these thrown at your testicles:

    1. "The War Song" Culture Club
    2. "Radio Ga Ga" Queen
    reply
  • Elaine

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I loved and still love "Radio Ga Ga." Maybe it's because I was that teen, sitting alone and watch its light, my only friend through teenage nights. Granted it wasn't during "War of the Worlds," but early-80's midwestern AM radio provided the same sentiments for me.

    Or maybe it is the STILL-impressive footage of the crowd at Wembley when Queen played this song during Live Aid.
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Go back to the comments under John H.'s treatise on Frankie Goes to Hollywood (http://popdose.com/why-you-should-likefrankie-g...) for the story of how I quizzed Boy George about "The War Song" (and got insulted in return).

    I don't remember why--I haven't heard it in years--but I liked "Radio Ga-Ga" enough at the time that I went and bought the 45. It may have been the last one I ever bought.
    reply
  • 1Py_Korry1

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Colin Hay was right: Why DID they write that song? I was just a junior in the radio industry when "The War Song" came down the pike and there was a collective head shake among my senior colleagues 'cause it was clear "The War Song" marked the end of Culture Club's reign in the pop spotlight.

    Jon, spend some quality time with "Radio Ga Ga" again and see if those golden memories come flooding back, or if you start to cringe when singing along with the chorus.
    :-)
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Well, I went and did my homework, Py, and thanks a lot: Now I'm embarrassed that I can't erase my comment about buying the 45, and I'm wondering what else I could have done with that $1.99 in college.

    Why would I have bought that single? I'm sure it had nothing to do with the lyrics, particularly the chorus. Maybe it was the sub-OMD percolations in the intro and between verses, or the Ultravox-y synth build to the chorus, or a pavlovian response to the Styx-ish quality of that ludicrous "radio" backing vocal--which I believe was run through the same processor as the vocals on "Rockin' the Paradise" and "The Best of Times."

    And now that I've rationalized this momentary (hah!) 1984 lapse in taste for five minutes that I'll never get back, I'm going to go see what a Queen single looks like after you hold it over a low flame.
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  • 1Py_Korry1

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I'm guessing the 45 will resemble the shell used in a taco salad when you're finished with your experiment with vinyl and a Bic lighter.

    To be fair to Queen, I really liked "The Works," but always, always skipped track 1 ("Radio Ga Ga") for "Tear It Up."
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  • Alex5000

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I still like "The Works" -- and I still like "Radio Ga Ga." There's a charm to that song that, for me anyway, has weathered the years well. Damn good album, too. It's no "Queen II" or "Sheer Heart Attack," but it is redeemed by the fact that it ALSO isn't "Hot Space" or "The Miracle..."

    Regarding "We Built This CIty" -- I cut this song some slack mainly because whenever I hear it, I get immediate and fond memories of being thirteen years old. However, having since then discovered "After Bathing At Baxter's" and "Blows Against The Empire" I can understand why one cannot be allowed to rate it a good song...
    reply
  • JW_SC

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Personally, I would put the “Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley" in the bottom 5, if not THE worst.

    Hmm, I thought everyone liked "Rock Me Amadeus".

    Good luck with the '90s list. I'd hate to sort thru the muck myself.
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I dunno, JW...The "Baby/Bird" medley is truly appalling--if ever two songs wanted less to be linked together in bad-remake eternity than those two, I'd like to hear that medley. How about the "Go Away Little Girl"/"Closer" medley? Perhaps the "Blue Monday"/"Feelings" medley? (That would sound good on an answering machine, wouldn't it?)

    Inside jokes between me and JW aside, the reason I didn't go there with the medley was because despite its horribleness, it didn't replace the original versions (at least not permanently, let's hope) in anyone's consciousness. It was, in the end, a trifle by a thoroughly faceless act that somehow made it to #1 and then vanished into the ether.

    As for "Rock Me Amadeus," I love it too--in German or in English, baby!--but it was high on Blender's list and others I've read, so obviously our admiration is not universally shared...
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  • twostepcub

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Nice job.

    I have only two words to say otherwise. "Invisible Touch".

    10 seconds of that song gives me hives.

    Like Starship, another example of a decent band going all six-flags karaoke on a pastiche of their supposed radio niche style.

    It's the turd to "We Built This City's" diarrhea.
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  • GeorgeLang

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I still have a hard time with 86-87 "big beat" disasters such as "Rock Me Amadeus" and Sly Fox' "Let's Go All the Way." But "Wind Beneath My Wings" deserves its own hell circle. During my late-'80s tenure in the military, I was stationed at a base that had retirement ceremonies almost every week during the summer, and every damn aviator who retired from that place had "Wind Beneath My Wings" sung at his retirement. I lost years off my life from that experience.

    http://blog.newsok.com/staticblog/
    reply
  • kshane

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I love the Eddie Murphy shout out in #3.
    reply
  • Old_Davy

    Vor 1 Jahr

    There was a ton of great music in the '80's except that none of it hit the charts.
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  • steed

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Nice Jon. I've been looking forward to see what you put on this since you put out the '60s edition.

    I had made my own list and it seems like we have similar tastes or distaste as it may be. I also had "Hangin' Tough", "Ebony & Ivory", "We Built This City"; "Physical"; "Kokomo"; "I Just Called" and "Wind Beneath My Wings" in my bottom 10.

    I also had two that you put in the intro - "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and "Batdance". (Prince is my favorite artist ever, but this is just stupid)

    I have a big problem with "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles too. That's just an unlistenable song to me.

    It's a shame that #1 songs were so damn poor in the '80s. There are definitely more crappy ones than there should be.

    However, I can't wait to see what the list from the '00s will be. I'm anticipating and even bigger train wreck than these.

    Great post. Thanks
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I'm too big a Bangles fan to hate "Egyptian." I know I probably should; I just can't. I came much closer to including "Eternal Flame." It's interesting that the Bangles' two #1s are probably their own least favorite of their songs (or at least they're the Peterson sisters' least-faves): Debbie had no role in the recording of "Egyptian," because a drum machine was used and she didn't get a vocal turn, and "Eternal Flame" put Susanna a bit too far out in front of the band for the others to be comfortable with (and didn't really fit the Bangles vibe, either). Of course, if you've seen "Behind the Music" you already know this...

    As far as the '00s go, I'm already sweating it. I may just close my eyes and point, and hope for the best. (That may be as good a method as any, actually.)
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  • Fudgester

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I reckon I could fill this list with James Bond theme songs and/or simply the tracklisting to the topgun soundtrack
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  • Pete

    Vor 1 Jahr

    My friend Nate and I had already voted "We Built This City" and "Greatest Love of All" as the worst songs of all time amongst ourselves, so it's nice to see them both here.

    I second the votes for both "Invisible Touch" and the "Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird" medley-especially the latter. UGH. I hated it then, I hate it now.

    "Physical" has just been remixed by mashup dj Go Home Productions:
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=LyxiixS50uY

    And I'm also guilty of still liking "Radio Ga Ga", even though I whole heartedly admit it's one of the worst songs in the Queen cannon.
    reply
  • Pete

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Oh, and I think "From a Distance" (although not 80s, but still Bette) is ten times more hideous than "Wind Beneath My Wings" (which is indeed gawd awful).
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  • Mike

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Really? "Dirty Diana"? Not one of MJ's best, I'll admit, but I'll listen to that on repeat for 24 hours while sitting naked on a block of ice rather than be subjected to listening to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" ONCE!
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  • forwardgirl

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I heartily second 'Wild Wild West' as atrocious and submit Billy Idol's cover of 'Mony Mony' as one I can't turn off fast enough when it comes on the car radio...
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  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    The thing about "Mony Mony" is, I really liked it when Billy first released it on his debut solo EP, "Don't Stop," way back in 1981. Between "Mony Mony" and the seemingly hourlong version of "Dancing With Myself," that EP really rocked. Of course, this was long before the whole "get laid get..." bullshit got attached to it. By the time it became a big hit, I was changing the radio as well.
    reply
  • forwardgirl

    Vor 1 Jahr

    PS Somewhere in my cassette collection that takes up roughly 1/3 of my apartment there is definitely a BMG issue Milli Vanilli. Perhaps there is some kind of exterminator who specializes in this sort of thing?
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  • Elaine

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Well, I purposely sought out and bought a Milli Vanilli CD years ago just because I figured it'll be worth money some day. Does that make me more, or less cynical? :-)
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Somewhere in the deep South on this night 10 years ago, there was a fundamentalist-Christian CD-steamrollering going on. A couple dozen moms reached behind the Judas Priest and Def Leppard discs in their collections, pulled out the Milli Vanilli, and told their kids, "Here--let them crush this."

    Your CD may be more valuable than you think. Or it might be worth a plug nickel.
    reply
  • steed

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I definitely own Milli Vanilli. Heck, I even own the Girl You Know It's True remix album. I almost owned "The Real Milli Vanilli" album too - but even I had to stop somewhere!
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    That would be a bridge too far. I just remember the "singing" shown during their press conference:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaoBgR7wLQk
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  • Sara

    Vor 1 Jahr

    The Greatest Love of All is not a terrible song. Most people just remember the first line (I believe that children are our future) George Benson wasn't even a great singer but a cool guitarist! As for Kyrie it was based on an old Latin hymn you can hear the same words in the prologue of Disney's Notre Dame movie.
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  • Pete

    Vor 1 Jahr

    That's funny, because I did pretty much the same thing. I clipped out the "they didn't sing on it" article from the paper and stuck it in the case like a time capsule.
    reply
  • Ernie McPicnics

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Have you no sense of irony sir?
    reply
  • Don

    Vor 1 Jahr

    This is an absolutely stellar list and I'm most impressed with your ability to actually narrow it down to ten even in the face of pressure from your wife and MIL. I have a good mind to buy these tracks from itunes, though. I must be a masochist. I co-wrote a piece on the ultimate mix 'tape' for spunkybean.com in case anyone wants to enjoy any further nostalgia ...
    http://spunkybean.com/index.php?option=com_cont...
    reply
  • :::theroux

    Vor 1 Jahr

    "Ghostbusters" made me want to dig my eyes out with a spork.
    "Who you gonna call?"....lyrical genius!
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Not to mention the Huey Lewis ripoff...from when Huey was still writing decent hit songs...
    reply
  • Pete

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Ray ripped of Huey-you have that backwards.
    reply
  • Pete

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Nevermind-I just got you were saying that. Lol.
    reply
  • rachie

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Okay. The article had me laughing out loud. THIS reply nearly made me pee myself. WICKED AWESOME WORK.
    reply
  • Sara

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Again this is just your opinion. Kyrie is from an old Latin chant "Kyrie Eleison"
    It also appears in Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame (the chant not the song) Wind Beneath My Wings not bad, but Bette Midler was not everyone's favorite singer. Although she is credited for starting the careers of Barry Manilow and Melissa Manchester so let's thank her for that!
    The worst Kenny Loggins song of the 1980s.. Hard to think. It wasn't a #1
    hit his cover of "Tell Her (Him)
    reply
  • E

    Vor 1 Jahr

    You clearly forgot about the existence of "We are the World", which was bad on a level rarely achieved by anyone.
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  • JonCummings

    Vor 12 Monate

    I hear you, but ... despite the horror of Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie writing about "saving their own lives" ... and despite the unwanted, hopefully not-to-be-repeated sight of Huey Lewis and Cyndi Lauper singing a duet ... "WATW" failed to make the cut simply because of the story about how Stevie Wonder had to teach Bob Dylan how to sing "like Bob Dylan" on his own chorus.
    reply
  • Aishah Bowron

    Vor 5 Monate

    The Worst Decade
    By : Aishah Bowron


    The worst musical era of all times were the Eighties. I disliked that decade. The only good bands and artists that I liked from the Eighties are Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Europe, Guns N’Roses, Michael Jackson and Prince and that’s about it.

    All the best rock bands came out of the Seventies. The Seventies were better than the Eighties in my opinion, producing proper rock bands like Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Bad Company, Trapeze, Free, AC/DC, Judas Priest, Thin Lizzy, Whitesnake, Motorhead etc. The Eighties were about synthesizers and poppy little sounds. Synthesizers were boring instruments because you couldn’t jump around with it like you would do with a guitar. Even worse there were all these horrible bands like the Pet Shop Boys, Erasure, Depeche Mode, OMD, Kajagoogoo and many similar acts in the Eighties. Then you got the Stock Aitken and Waterman nonsense, which drove me bleeding mad. They were responsible for producing cheeseball hits like Never Gonna Give You Up and I Should Be So Lucky..

    The musical scene in the Eighties was a joke. You had record companies and managers who were more important than the artists. These managers acted like dictators telling you what to do like polishing your music and looking a bit. You had to live by the strict Draconian rules forever doing TV shows , playback performances and photo sessions. It was too nice and too tame. You had no control over your music because you had to play the way the manager wanted you to sound. The Eighties were backlashed against the guitar because the producer toned it down to make room for the synths. That is amongst the reason why I think the Eighties were awful. The Eighties is a decade not worth remembering.
    reply
  • K

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I don't know if 'Take on Me' ever hit number one but I always hated that song. That stupid synthesizer break in the middle of the song always reminded me of a mosquito buzzing around my ear that I could never kill.
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  • Bob S.

    Vor 1 Jahr

    “take these broken wings and learn to fly again, learn to live so free,” then why would you also want “the book of love [to] open up for us and let us in”

    These are lyrics from "Broken Wing" not "Kyrie" [I'm almost ashamed that I know this!!]
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  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I was counting on you knowing that, having left out the song's name after writing "These guys are lucky they’re not taking up two slots on this list."
    reply
  • Pico

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Late to the party, as usual.

    Dude....Mr. Mister?! That's unduly harsh. Admit it, it's the Sonar drums and Yamaha DX-7's that annoys you, not the songs. Seperate out the icy cold production, them there are some solid tunes, brah.. Shit, Page went on to make a tidy sum writing songs for others.

    Hate the instruments, not the playahs. ;&)
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    No no no no no no no no no no no no no. "Broken Wings" is an intro waiting for a song that never arrives, with utterly banal lyrics. "Kyrie" -- I don't know where to start, but when the singer STARTS OUT with his hands raised in the air, in roughly the same position where Barry Manilow's arms always wind up when he sings the big CLOSING note, I know it's time to see what's happening over on Fuse.

    If you can explain what "Kyrie" is about, I might change my mind. Good luck.
    reply
  • Pico

    Vor 1 Jahr

    OK...you're right about Broken Wings being a song-long intro...but that's hardly a capital offense.

    Kyrie: I don't remember the video. "Hate the video, not the song" ;&)

    (I don't exactly know wtf "Stairway to Heaven" is about but everyone seems to like it /shrug)

    BTW, I can't disagree with any of the rest of your list. Nice job, overall.
    reply
  • Christopher

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Give me a break. Music from the 80's was fun, nothing more, nothing less. Yes there were bad lyrics and cheesy hooks, but lighten up.
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  • jefito

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Take your own advice.
    reply
  • JonCummings

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Actually, when I look over the grand sweep of the '80s I find a hell of a lot more than songs that were "fun, nothing more, nothing less." I certainly wouldn't qualify "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" as "nothing more" than fun. I think it's one of the most profound songs in rock history, and it (unbelievably) made it to #1--as did glorious songs from "Billie Jean" to "When Doves Cry" to "Shout" to "Sledgehammer" to "Sweet Child O' Mine" to flippin' "Like a Prayer." And let's not even start in on the vast universe of '80s music that was incredibly fascinating and/or moving (or at least seemed so at the time) yet never came within a sniff of #1, or of the charts at all...

    Chances are you don't find at least one of those songs profound, and you might think they all suck. It's all a matter of taste, isn't it?

    Besides, we kid with love! (Well, maybe not love...)
    reply
  • Seymor Butt

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Do you have anything positive to say about the 80's.
    reply
  • jefito

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Yes, actually. That was the last decade when "Seymour Butts" was funny.
    reply
  • rachie

    Vor 1 Jahr

    Okay. The article had me laughing out loud. THIS reply nearly made me pee myself. WICKED AWESOME WORK. (my reply was supposed to go here)
    reply
  • Bobslim

    Vor 1 Jahr

    I agree with the choice of Olivia. She wasn't so bas in Grease, but ity's different in Physical.
    reply

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